I had nothing keeping me here anymore. I was all I had left. Armed with a letter from the Psychiatrist explaining why I had stashes of medication on me, I made my way to Heathrow. For forty minutes I avoided nervous glances on the Picadilly Line as my overstuffed backpack threatened to flatten neighbouring passengers. By 6pm on 31 December, I was checked in.
The departure date was a deliberate decision. To wake up on the other side of the world in To slide the shutters on , minus the ceremonial celebration. Was I nervous about travelling solo soon after receiving daily visits from healthcare teams and round-the-clock help from loved ones? Of course I was. I was also arriving to the comfort of a close friend who was out in Melbourne.
After a year of trying for a baby with military precision, I had deliberately not planned the hell out of this trip. After years of recurring anxiety, I learnt that releasing control could make me see life can be lived fully, without micromanaging every minute. Things like mindfulness exercises to help me hone in on the beautiful surroundings. Or writing three things I was proud of achieving that day in my journal to give me a boost when I was feeling vulnerable.
Most importantly, I learnt to show myself compassion every day. And build up confidence I did. From the odd stroll around the Melbourne suburbs while my cousin was working, to a full beach day basking in the fierce Aussie sunshine.
By the end of the month, I was ready for the next part of my adventure. Truly going it alone in a new country. I sought soaring landscapes where I could feel tiny against the backdrop of the wild, putting my troubles into perspective. It was obvious where I should head next. New Zealand. But, it was a big motivator for me. It could be promising yourself to try something new, or going away for the weekend on your own to focus on a passion like cooking or hiking.
I know I was fortunate to have the support of friends and family, a crisis team who were there for me and the opportunity to travel, but I also know that others in a similar position might not be so fortunate.
Recovery is finding what works for you, no matter how large or how small that step. Believing that recovery is possible is so important, whatever that path looks like for you. You can read more about her solo adventures on her blog Xenaworrierprincess.
You may develop post-traumatic stress disorder PTSD if you experience something which you find traumatic.
Symptoms include traumatic memories or dreams, not being able to sleep and feeling anxious. We focus on personal recovery and suggest different ways that you can help your own recovery. Ian Ewart, 37, suffered a breakdown last year. He now sees work-related stress as the catalyst. Twelve months to a year before the breakdown, I was having symptoms. I started getting tired, when before I wasn't, unable to deal with stresses that I used to.
At that stage, it was a very physical thing that attacked my immune system. I got colds that lingered and lingered and IBS irritable bowel syndrome. I was always tired. Depressive tiredness is different - you can't cure it through sleep, so you wake up more tired than when you went to bed.
I couldn't go into shops because I couldn't stand fluorescent lights or the other people wandering around supermarkets. Getting to work became a nightmare - I couldn't get on the Tube.
I felt so run-down I wasn't able to cope with even the basics. I became agoraphobic and more panicky. This is the stage where you should seek help, but I didn't. Eventually Ewart did go and see his doctor, who told him to take time off work. After the two weeks, I still felt bloody awful, but I went back to work and by Monday afternoon I knew it hadn't worked; I was completely unable to handle anything and I had very strange feelings of unreality.
I was looking at the office as though I wasn't part of it; I was panicky, shaky and absolutely full of anxiety. David Bell says that anxiety is central to all breakdown experiences - 'anxiety that has become unmanageable.
When you feel anxiety mixed with depression, the result is often terrible vulnerability - people describe being in a room and feeling that others can see right through them. In fact, their boundaries have gone.
The ordinary boundaries that keep them functioning. Ian Ewart stopped functioning after leaving his job and then - temporarily - leaving his partner and son to go and stay in a hotel. But while I was at the hotel I realised how desperate I was; I went to bed and couldn't move because I was absolutely terrified, I felt physically paralysed.
I lay like that for two days - I'd try to get out of bed, but my breathing was all over the place, I'd been on the edge for so long. Luckily, I think I knew something of what was happening - when I was 11 years old, I'd read an account of a nervous breakdown, a very dated book now, but nevertheless I was aware. It was hell, though, the worst my life had ever been, and I thought I was dying.
Then, at 5am, I managed to move and go home. By 9am, I was at my doctor's, who prescribed an antidepressant called Lustral as well as therapy. Ewart's breakdown - a collapse in social roles, if you like - is one way to break down; another, according to Oliver James, consultant psychologist and author of Britain on the Couch , 'concerns the question of whether there has been a fissure - a break - in your sense of reality'.
In fact, according to James, 'a lot of psychoanalytically minded people would want to introduce that element and say, "It's not really a breakdown unless the person has actually 'lost the plot', to put it in to ordinary language" - ie, started to think things are true that are manifestly not true.
In other words, the person has become delusional. Sarah, now 52, has suffered psychotic breakdown on several occasions, that is, she became delusional. I was I'd been in a stable relationship for a long time, which I think might have protected me. When it finished, I wasn't able to deal with it, so I latched on to something else.
I was delusional and thought that I was in love with somebody and that he was in love with me. But then, when it seemed obvious that the person I'd fixated on wasn't in love with me, I kind of thought, "Now what happens? I could hold a conversation. I carried on, but in the back of mind I'd think, "Well, actually, I'm an alien. Sarah was treated by a psychiatrist. It happened again, but in a slightly milder way, about a year later.
I think it was when somebody was leaving me and I was also leaving a job, albeit voluntarily. The main symptom was that I thought I was dying again, dying of Aids, which wasn't totally irrational because I'd had a relationship with a bisexual man, but I'd had an Aids test which was negative.
The fear might be rational, but what is irrational is the extent to which you feel it. I'd had an Aids test, so why was I still afraid? The last time I was properly delusional and thought I was dying was about eight years ago, when I was evicted from a flat - it's always at times of intense stress. David Bell feels it is important to see psychotic breakdown as distinct from our normal understanding of a breakdown.
There are many types of psychotic breakdown, but people tend to have altered experiences defined by losing touch with reality - having delusions and hallucinations and other strange experiences, like travelling on the bus and not thinking, "I hate it because I think they're looking at me" but "They are looking at me. Key to understanding any sort of breakdown is understanding 'why'.
Why Ian? Recognizing their great efforts at life — be it at the office or with her spouse and children — can help her understand her worth and value in a world where she feels none. Having someone on the outside looking in can help to realign her perspective and bring a renewed sense of purpose to a world otherwise filled with pain. Lastly, an intervention may be necessary. If she is threatening suicide, skip immediately to this step, as such words should never be ignored.
Call or get in touch with a medical professional immediately. If your friend or loved one is willing to go to the hospital to seek treatment for an emotional breakdown, do not leave him there alone. Offer to go with him and support him. You will need to be strong for this person, and you can be the liaison between the despair and proper treatment. Confidentiality is key when helping someone who is having a nervous breakdown.
Remember the struggle is not your news to share, and it is important you remain non-judgmental and practice self-restraint. If you feel you cannot do this, find someone who can, and never leave a broken person unattended at the height of crisis. Fortunately, many people are able to bounce back from an emotional breakdown after the root issue is resolved.
Sometimes this involves a change of circumstance, and often it means counseling and psychotropic medication. There are so many options and resources for those who are hurting spiritually and emotionally they just need to find them. Never be afraid to express your concern for a friend or family member, as your commitment and self-sacrifice may even save a life.
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